There are 900,000 divorces every year and fewer than 10% talk to anybody about their relationship! That is an amazing statistic. Scientific research has created a new understanding of love relationships. A leader in this field is John Gottman who has an excellent Tedx talk titled The Science of Love. He also wrote the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. We know how damaging a loss of a relationship can be and it certainly can affect your overall health and wellbeing.
The Many Faces of Intimacy
Love comes in many shapes and sizes. When we speak about intimacy we initially think of a sexual relationship. Intimacy has many definitions and is borne of reciprocal trust and safety between individuals so that they can share personal aspects about themselves. There are many types of intimacy two people can share. Emotional, sexual, recreational, crisis, work, communication to name a few. The more types of intimacy you experience, the more likely you feel seen and understood. That feeling of belonging is something all humans crave and need and contribute to improved health and wellbeing. Intimacy and love exist in many types of relationships, not just in marriages.
The Benefits of Relationships
A field called social epidemiology has emerged in the last 50 years and it shows that great friendships lead to:
Greater mental and physical health.
Greater wealth
Greater resilience
Faster recovery from illness
Greater Longevity
More Successful Children
When it comes to health, the human brain is a social organ. We are hardwired for relationships. Scientific research indicates that the brain, mind, and relationships are integrally connected, and we need at least one intimate relationship to thrive and stay healthy and well. Having these wonderful intimate connections with others can actually contribute to:
Lower blood pressure
Decreased anxiety
Less depression and substance abuse
Fewer colds
Faster healing
Natural pain control
Fewer physician visits
Longer and happier life.
Relationship Challenges
But so many people have great challenges with maintaining a marriage or friendship. John Gottman speaks about people just getting stuck in negative emotions. There should be a 5:1 ratio between positive and negative emotions in a relationship. This means people may need to be more aware of what they are communicating and increase their compliments and support to their partner and minimize the negativity.
John Gottman talks about three things that are needed in a marriage to get the ‘magic’ and they are:
Commitment – staying committed to cherishing your partner and being grateful for that person is key. Speaking words of love and appreciation creates loyalty. When things are not going well, and your partner is hostile, distant, and frustrated this creates the feeling of betrayal and you make a negative comparison. This can lead to dissolution.
Calm – staying calm allows for better listening and empathy. If a partner is not calm, they can be flooded with negative emotions. When they are calm they can take in more information, listen better, are more empathetic, and can access humor. If they aren’t calm they are more likely to be in an attack and defensive mode
Trust – intimacy and great sex provides trust. Mutual trust happens when both partners maximize the benefits of both people. They are always thinking about how their partner would feel. Distrust leads to loneliness. People have affairs, not for sex but because someone finds them interesting and will listen to them.
John Gottman's research dispelled some long-held myths about what it takes to have a stable and happy intimate relationship.
Myth #1 – if you fight a lot, you won’t be happy and your relationship won't last.
Myth #2 – if you don’t confront your problems and work through them to a mutually satisfactory resolution you won’t have a happy relationship.
It turns out the most important factor in confronting issues and conflicts is how partners agree to deal with problems. This can be different for many. Again the most important factor in maintaining a good relationship is the 5:1 ratio, where there are five positive interactions for every negative one.
Experiment
Write down the things you appreciate, respect, and admire about your partner.
Watch for little opportunities where you can let your partner know you appreciate him/her. Spread out the list over time like a couple of weeks.
Keep adding to the list as you go.
Write down or share with a friend what you notice as a result of doing this exercise.
Boundaries Are Important
There is a widely-held belief that a partner is responsible for the loved one's happiness and that your happiness depends on your loved one. On the surface, it appears to be very loving, but when you look more closely, it is quite disrespectful. The boundaries are not healthy. If anyone else is responsible for your happiness, you are giving your power to them to create your happiness. That will not create good self-esteem. You are not a full participant in the relationship. This is a life-long journey of self-discovery and it takes finding the balance between being interested, supportive, and respectful but yet being able to assert your own needs and desires. This takes some introspection on your thoughts, beliefs, and actions.
Creating, sustaining, and nurturing relationships can not only feel good but can have tremendous health benefits. So if you want to stay healthy and well, give top priority to your relationships, keep an open mind and be a life-long learner willing to be vulnerable and make changes as needed.